DND

I spent the last week in isolation and I’m not quite sure why. I mean, I put myself there. But why? Normally if I’m self-isolating it’s because I either made decisions I’m not at peace with, or I’ve finally imploded from avoiding feeling things.

So which one is it?

This feels different. This feels serene. Peaceful. Quiet. The quiet used to be very unsettling. I used to avoid sitting with myself or giving myself the space and time to feel anything at all. I have always forced myself to stay busy, but I’m tired.

My body is tired. My social battery is tired. My emotional capacity is exhausted. My heart is tired. Down to my soul, I am tired. I think I’m finally coping well enough to let myself be tired. To embrace the tiredness and let it win on days I would normally fight it to make myself available to someone else, even though I knew I needed to spend my time differently. But I chose that. I felt like I needed to.

That time, with those people I chose, saved me from myself.

They saved me from all of the nights I would’ve been too fragile and too harsh not to tear myself to shreds, day after day. They saved me from every gut-wrenching trip down memory lane as I drowned in the cold, unforgiving stream of “what ifs” and “I should haves”.

But they got me away from myself and gave me a safe place to grieve. Without judgment. This summer was still chock-full of judgment, though. Partly from family and friends that don’t understand me in my current state, but mostly from myself.

This summer may go down in history for its record-breaking heat, but to me, this will always be the summer that I brought myself back from the dead. I have never known pain like the pain I endured this year, and I pray I never meet it again.

I can’t even begin to describe the feeling; as the walls of your chest concave into each other from the pressure of your own tears and heartbreak, the perpetual headache from crying so hard, so consistently, that your head literally aches so intensely that you have no choice but to close your eyes. Not to mention the knife it drives deep into your gut, forcing you to wretch for hours even when there’s nothing left for your body to reject.

That is the pain of your own genuine energy at war against the toxic energies that intend to invade and destroy us at our core. Mine won in the end, but it was a battle not easily won, and it definitely wasn’t priceless. It came at the cost of my old self, my old ways, my old life. It came at the cost of many unhealthy relationships that repeatedly violated my boundaries. It came at the cost of a lot of things, and people, that I thought would be in my life forever. That I thought I wanted there.

I used to think I knew what I wanted, but now the thought of that makes me laugh. I don’t know what I want. How can I possibly know what I want when every time I go in the direction of what I think I want, it always ends with me being hurt, disrespected, and used?

I no longer let myself think I know what I want. I let myself choose. By listening to myself and listening to her very intently. And sometimes I need complete and utter silence. That is if I’m actually going to listen. So that’s what this week was to me. I needed to ground myself so I could find my way back to her frequency. I needed to hear what she had to say. I need to know where we go from here. The transformation coming is not going to be guided, and I need her to lead the way.

So I took a week to myself. And I loved every minute of it. I loved being well-rested and refreshed in the morning for the first time in years. I enjoyed watching new movies and falling asleep watching the Chappelle Show. I loved creating new outfits with old clothes and taking hundreds of pictures in my room again. I love wasting half a day taking a two-hour bath and then doing my hair and makeup with nowhere to go. And that’s when I realized who I am. I am finally discovering who she is.

She’s the girl that’s never not listening to music. She’s the girl that eats every meal like it’s her last and sings while she cooks in her underwear. She’s the girl that posts too much. Probably takes too many pictures and looks in the mirror too much. But at least she genuinely loves what she sees. She tells stories like a toddler when she’s high and swears more than a “lady” should. She can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying but she’s gonna nod and smile like an idiot anyway. She loves dogs more than most people but the people she does love she loves with every ounce of her being. She cares way too much about what people think of her at times and has a hard time communicating her boundaries. She’s her own biggest critic but also her own biggest fan. She loves nothing more than to laugh and feel scintillating energy with the people she loves.

She enjoys stimulating conversations about social issues, history, and abstract theory. Self-deprecation will always be her go-to sense of humor, no matter how much she loves herself. She knows she shops too much and needs to slow down when she drives. She loves the healing and therapeutic energy she feels when she plays basketball. Being by the water is when she feels most at peace. She doesn’t like to stay in one place for too long but loves places that make her feel at home. She is all of these things and many more. But she is wonderful and impressive and calming all at once. When you give her the chance.

I made myself dinner the other night. As I sat at my dining room table, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and pride for where I am now and just how good my life really is. I took a moment before I ate to pray.

I thanked God for the roof over my head and the meal I was able to prepare myself. I thanked him for all of the people in my life and asked him to send healing and peace to those in need. Then I thanked him for myself. I thanked him for guiding me back to her. I prayed that he continue giving me the strength and guidance to hang onto her in these times that she’s so hard to find.

I’ve fallen in love with the idea of finding her, but I fear if it’s too loud she’ll never trust me. So for now I need it to be quiet until I can make her feel safe enough to stay. So if it seems as if I’m unavailable, it’s because I am. I need to be, because I need to be available to me right now.